then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
