I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
