At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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