bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
