In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
