i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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