At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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