Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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