I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
