yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
