John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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