HIV tests are more positive than that guy
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
