Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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