You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
