Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
