I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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