omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I've blown a few things in my day
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
