There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
