I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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