Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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