She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
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I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
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I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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