listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
