Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
