dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
