I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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