At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
