You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
How does one acquire holy water?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
