Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
