I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm too high and old for this...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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