I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You've changed since you got that strap on
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
