"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.