dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
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Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...