Someone shit on the floor
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
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I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I think your dad took our porno
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.