Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.