I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I intend to get homeless drunk
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
