Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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