The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
