maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
