Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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