remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
