Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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