having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
