made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
4 words: hood of his car
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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