Got a toothbrush?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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