You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
