he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
