I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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