you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
