my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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