Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
