No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
not ubering you a puppy
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
