hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
