I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
