my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
