Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
