I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
