we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
