1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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