I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
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That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
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After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.