i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
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Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.