...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.