I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
