you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
