I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
where am i from again
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Randomize
