i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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