My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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